June 5, 2006 - President Bush has a new secret plan to end the nuclear standoff with Iran; end the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq; and stop the threat of terrorism for all time.  Today he took the first step to implement his plan.  The idea is simplicity itself.  The regime in Iran is a fundamentalist theocratic regime.  The struggle between the two warring factions in Iraq is between two versions of Islamic fundamentalism who seek to establish their own theocracy.  Osama Bin Laden launched his campaign of terrorism to establish fundamentalist religion as the basis for government world wide.  If American moves to establish its own theocracy adopting the draconian dogma of human behavior espoused by the adversaries the Iran, Iraq and Bin Laden will see that there is no differences left between them and us and the strife will fade away.

The President doesn’t propose to deploy more troops and weapons to suppress revolt in Iraq; to induce the Iranian regime to abandon its quest to grasp doomsday in their hands; or root Bin Laden out of his mountain lair, where ever it may be.  No further expenditure of lives and treasure will be required to achieve repose of this sectarian terror.  All we need do is amend our Constitution to deny to American government at every level the power to recognize and commemorate Mary Cheney’s commitment to her life partner.
That is the secret to peace and prosperity.  It will end the war and free up American forces so that they can come home to police American borders and American bedrooms.

Once the evil of homosexuals is addressed and that threat to our social fabric vanquished for all time the crushing load of inflated fuel costs will disappear.  Pass a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage and you will strengthen heterosexual marriage everywhere. Pass the Protection of Marriage Amendment and you will end philandering husbands and the predatory vixens pursuing them.  Amend the Constitution to make sure that homosexual relationship cannot be recognized and you will end the scourge of adultery and divorce.  Ban same sex marriage and you will end the blight of spousal abuse in America. 

He also has a secret plan to solve the energy crisis.  People are looking all over for alternate fuels.  Who knows where this will all lead.  That is why we need a Constitutional Amendment to ban flag burning.

No end of ills will be addressed and no end of blessings secured if only we amend our Constitution to ban homosexuality and flag burning.  We can then proceed to amend the Constitution to ban fear; to exclude hunger; to mandate prosperity all because we have a President named Bush. 

The beauty of secret plans is always the same.  Because you keep them secret nobody ever knows whether or not they work.  If things get better you take the credit.  If things get worse you can say it is all Clinton’s fault because he did not have a secret plan!